


Admit You Hate Who You Are

by jb_andhismilk



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2young is major, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fights, Got7 is gay, Internalized Homophobia, JB-centric, Jaebum is Insecure, M/M, Yugbam is minor, jjp are best friends, poor jaebummie, this fic is serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 18:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15007304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jb_andhismilk/pseuds/jb_andhismilk
Summary: JB is not Jaebum.





	1. He Calls Himself JB

He calls himself JB.  
The name is awkward at first. He almost says Jaebum when someone asks, and luckily has time to right himself after the first syllable. The name isn't something he welcomes at first, but soon he learns to conceal the nagging at his head that he isn't JB, he is Jaebum. 

Then something changes in him when he hears his own voice singing on their first track and feels his feet find all the right dance moves and he's suddenly JB. It's a transformation, his stage presence. He can emerge from behind a curtain of his normal self and is suddenly reborn as someone who knows he's attractive and likes it, someone who has no troubles talking to women, someone who doesn't fly off the handle when his rage spikes. Jaebum realizes this around the time of their third real performance. He likes JB better than Jaebum.

Suddenly his stage persona is more than that. It's a costume, a way to conceal his real personality and the flaws he hates within himself for a brief moment, during a three minute song or a thirty second chat with a fan. Jaebum drinks it in and savors it, tries to keep JB there for as long as he can because he dreads the moment when Jaebum will come back. 

Jaebum? Who is Jaebum? JB is the one with the dark eyes, the one who oozes confidence and charisma on the stage. JB is the one with a powerful voice and all the right moves. JB's anger is sexy, turned into an energetic aura for his dancing. JB is never nervous. JB is never stressed. JB has no awareness of worldly problems. JB is not Jaebum. 

Somewhere deep within him- in the Jaebum part of him because the JB part doesn't feel things like fear- he realizes that this is unhealthy. He shouldn't be shying away from being himself, but he can't help it. JB is so much cooler, so calm and collected and not Jaebum and it makes the leader think that everyone else must like JB better than Jaebum, because who in their right mind wouldn't? 

This line of thinking isn't healthy either, Jaebum thinks, since he knows his friends most likely love him for who he is; more specifically his mind goes to Jackson. The thing about JB that always seems better to Jaebum is that his caring for Jackson is merely a leader's responsibility. JB never lies awake with worry after Jackson comes home with sore limbs worked to the bone with his schedule. JB doesn't linger a touch too long during a comforting pat on the back, and JB certainly has never wanted to keep Jackson to himself in a bout of angry jealousy. 

JB is a strong leader, so JB is the one smiling politely and having small talk with other idols during an after party for yet another award show. JB keeps the others in his group within sight, distant but vigilant, because it's his job as leader to make sure his brothers aren't getting into trouble. Most of the boys are speaking with their friends, BTS. JB's gaze lingers on Jackson, just to make sure he isn't yelling too excitedly during his conversation with Namjoon, and moves on. BamBam is devouring the food at the catering table, and Youngjae and Jinyoung, keeping a respectable distance that JB deems inconspicuous, are nearby talking to an idol he doesn't recognize. 

Usually, Jaebum would be more worried about the two of them. He'd found out about their relationship only a month prior, and had been on edge about their public appearance ever since. Jinyoung was surprisingly good at keeping up appearances, even around Jaebum. He'd found out only when Youngjae had told the group he wanted to be alone one evening, and then immediately retreated to Jinyoung's bedroom with a false sullen look. Jinyoung watched the younger leave with a sigh of defeat. "He tried." 

Now that Jaebum knew, it was JB's job to make sure no one else did. Well, not exactly, but it was his job to remind the two of them if Youngjae leaned in for a kiss without thinking (he'd done this two times) or if Jinyoung became a little too handsy for basic skinship (four times). So JB glances every now and again during his own conversation, much less worried than usual because he's deep into his safety blanket of a cooler persona, and because Youngjae and Jinyoung seem much more mellow tonight than others. 

The mask slips unexpectedly when he glances over during a laugh and sees Youngjae with his head down and his jaw tight. His eyes are staring straight to the floor, and he's stepped away from Jinyoung, who looks nothing short of livid. Dark eyes are burning holes into the man they're speaking to, who seems completely unaware of the hostility aimed directly at him. 

JB excuses himself from his current conversation, Jaebum coming into reality as he walks toward the other members. The man speaking to Jinyoung says something else and Jaebum barely has time to react before he's pushing Jinyoung back, away from the man speaking who was almost knocked to the ground.

"Jinyoung!" Jaebum shoves him, hard, and Jinyoung rears his arm back to punch until he notices who it is before him. For a moment his eyes show panic, but then he's back, leaning toward the stranger behind Jaebum and the leader presses a hand flat on his chest. "Jinyoung. Let's step outside for a moment, yeah?" he suggests in a low voice.

The entire room is watching them, including a now terrified Youngjae. Jinyoung spots his boyfriend and relaxes slightly, just enough for Jaebum to lead him outside. By the time they're out of the room, Jinyoung is angry again.

"What the hell happened?" Jaebum demands. Jinyoung narrows his eyes, clenches his fists and takes a deep breath. "Take your time. I don't want to have to hit you back," he adds, his voice softening. Jinyoung is still stiff with anger. He turns back to look at the door with a menacing stare.

"He was disrespecting Youngjae. Said something about how he could improve on his vocal skills. That little amateur was talking to Youngjae and telling him he needed some improvement if he wanted to be likable," scoffs Jinyoung mockingly. Jaebum shakes his head.

"I understand why it upset you, Jinyoung-ah, but you can't just go around hitting people for being disrespectful. You almost caused a huge mess in there," he points out warningly. Jinyoung's steeled eyes hit him head on. "No, you don't understand. How would you have felt if someone said something like that to Jackson?"

The name startles him. Why would Jinyoung bring up Jackson in this conversation? He wants to ask, knows he should, but instead he feels his pulse quicken, hears himself say, "That's different, and you know it. Jackson and me...... that isn't the issue here. The issue is you not thinking straight, letting your feelings get in the way of your judgement-" 

"Jaebum, not everyone can pretend to be someone they aren't like you can! It's hard for me not to want to protect him, can't you get that? He's so sensitive about those things, I want to hit anyone who so much as mentions he's anything less than perfect at what he does!" Jaebum flinches back at the accusation, stunned, but Jinyoung plows on without acknowledging the reaction.

"I see how angry you get when someone teases one of us. When Bam gets asked about his love life, or when interviews treat Jackson like a sex object. You may think you're hiding it well, and to everyone else maybe you are. But I see right through it. I know you, Jaebum. You care about us. Stop pretending."

Jaebum isn't sure exactly how Jinyoung managed to turn the conversation onto the elder, but it makes him furious. "I care about you because it's my responsibility, just like it's my responsibility to make sure you don't beat the shit out of anyone, you ass!" he fires back. "You're an actor for fuck's sake! Couldn't you just pretend for a few hours?" he adds for good measure, trying to show Jinyoung what his actions are causing. Trying to remind him that the way he appears affects all of them. 

"Yes, Jaebum, I'm an actor, not a damn robot! I can't shut off my feelings! You can't either!" Jinyoung isn't surprised when Jaebum pulls him out of the courtyard they're standing in and out of view behind some trees where they can fight each other without any witnesses. 

"I'm fucking tired of you lying to everybody, like you're some kind of perfectly composed leader who has his shit sorted out. I want you to admit it!" Jinyoung shouts. Jaebum narrows his eyes. He knows where Jinyoung is headed but doesn't want to believe it. 

"Admit what? Spit it out, Park! Say it you coward!" Jaebum prods, pushing Jinyoung into the nearest tree and holding him there with his forearm. Jinyoung stares at him with cold eyes that Jaebum rarely sees directed at him, and says in a cold voice Jaebum rarely hears, "Admit you hate who you are." 

Jaebum flinches, presses his best friend against the tree again after rearing back for just a moment. "Shut the hell up! You don't know a damn thing!" Jaebum feels his heart rate quickening because Jinyoung can't know him that well, he just can't. Four years of trainee life together and two more years as a group aren't enough, Jaebum is too careful, too guarded, too-

"Jaebum, I know that you're-"

"Shut up!" Jaebum shoves back away from him and has to avert his eyes, he can't meet eyes with Jinyoung and the surprise that's written on the younger's face. He feels his throat tightening when voices find them. Jaebum has his back to Jinyoung when Mark arrives with Jackson not far behind. 

"What's going on?" Mark asks immediately, noticing the clear tension between the pair. Neither man replies. "Hyung? What's wrong?" Jackson asks tentatively. Jaebum's jaw tightens. He can't meet Jackson's eyes either. "We should leave. Mark, get the rest of the kids," Jaebum says instead of returning the question. He feels a stab of guilt when he turns and sees Jackson turn away from him and approach Jinyoung instead. Jinyoung is staring at him, the same surprise in his eyes melting into pure sadness that's much more readable to Jaebum. Jinyoung sighs.

"Jaebum hyung-"

"We're leaving." Jaebum turns from the two of them to follow after Mark. He pretends he doesn't hear Jackson ask Jinyoung if Jaebum is alright.


	2. Jaebummie, Talk To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not as angsty as the first

The moment their long and silent car ride is over, Jaebum darts from the van and closes himself in the bathroom for a few moments alone before he's forced to resort to his shared room with Jackson. 

He takes deep breaths but his pulse never lowers. He drinks three gulps of water from the faucet but his hands don't stop shaking. He hits his head against the wall a few times but the voice in the back of his mind never silences. It never ceases to let him know that he is not JB. He is Jaebum, and Jaebum is an unhealthy dirty mess and Jinyoung knows. Jinyoung has seen straight through every wall he's ever built.

Who else can see through JB?

Jaebum crouches on the floor as the thought hits him. Until now, he had assumed that Jinyoung was just perceptive because of their close relationship. They'd known each other the longest. Jinyoung was undoubtedly his best friend. But he had five other men who were incredibly close to him, who was to say that they hadn't noticed anything? Who was to say they weren't all out in the living room at this very moment, discussing Jaebum and the many ways that he doesn't belong?

Jaebum jumps to his feet and opens the door in a panic, expecting to hear voices from their living room go quiet as he steps into the hall but all that happens is a near collision with Yugyeom. The maknae's eyes are wide as he stares at the leader, most likely from witnessing Jaebum's frantic exit from the bathroom and the undoubtedly fearful look on his face. Jaebum hadn't even thought to regain his composure. He can only shamefully imagine how he must look to Yugyeom. 

"Hyung, are you feeling alright?" Yugyeom asks in concern and Jaebum feels an inexplicable urge to cry. Instead, he nods blankly and passes by without a word, starting toward his bedroom with a silent prayer that Jackson isn't already there waiting for him. 

Luckily, their room is empty when Jaebum steps inside. He hastily strips down to his underwear and climbs into the lower bunk, pulling the covers up to his chin. He stays that way, facing the wall, trying to steady his breathing until Jackson comes in. Jackson, as usual, wastes no time.

"Hyung, what is it?" he asks the second Jaebum hears the door close. Jaebum freezes. He wonders if Jackson has already gone to Jinyoung, and what Jinyoung has or hasn't told him. He and Youngjae aren't out to the rest of the group yet. He wonders if Jinyoung bothered to hide it after the day's events. "You and Jinyoung have never fought like that. Why was he so angry at the party? It isn't like him to lash out," Jackson adds. Jaebum stays silent. It isn't his place to tell Jackson about them, and he knows it.

"What did he say to make you so angry?" Jackson asks after a pause, and Jaebum feels the guilt starting to rise as Jackson's frustration grows more apparent. He's scaring Jackson, and he can't stop. His mind screams at him to say something, anything to comfort his companion, but his mouth never opens. 

"Hyung, please," Jackson sounds so distressed that Jaebum has to will his mind to block out how guilty he's feeling. Even though he still faces the wall, Jaebum can picture how Jackson's face must look. His large eyes sad and pleading, a defeated, hurt look on his handsome features. Jaebum resists the urge to cry for the second time that night. 

"You said it wasn't right to keep secrets. If it was personal to you I would understand, but Jinyoung knows and Youngjae wouldn't look me in the eyes when I was asking. Why are you hiding from me, hyung? Talk to me." Jaebum clamps his mouth closed, ignores the tears falling silently from his eyes. He hears a soft thud and feels Jackson's hand on his arm.

"Jaebummie, talk to me."

Jaebum hardens his voice as best as he can, but his words still come out broken. "I can't, Jackson." Jackson is pressed into his back now, clinging onto him like a lifeline. Jaebum knows it's Jackson's way of comforting him, that it's nothing to be afraid of, but he feels a familiar twinge crawl up his spine and he stiffens instinctively. He regrets the action the moment it happens, because it causes Jackson to pull away. 

"Jackson-ah," Jaebum chokes out when the bunk shakes, indicating that Jackson has climbed to the top. There's a pause, and for a moment Jaebum fears Jackson is angry with him. "Yes hyung?" he hears a moment later and Jaebum wants to hit his head against the wall when he hears how hurt the younger sounds. 

Jaebum's throat dries before he can even think of what to say. He just wanted to hear Jackson's voice, thinking it would cheer him up, but hearing how he'd hurt Jackson only proved to make him more upset. Jackson reaches over and turns out the lamp silently. Jaebum falls asleep in tears.

Jaebum dreams, oddly enough, of when he'd first met Jackson. 

The picture is vivid in his mind. An image of Jackson, younger and thinner than now, but still muscular, still bright and energetic and so incredibly eager to befriend Jaebum. Dark hair cut into the strangest style Jaebum has ever seen, and fragments of Korean sprinkled into sentences the boy speaks. He tries his best to speak full Korean to most trainees, but Jaebum spots him speaking with another boy-whom he later learns is Mark- in a mixture of fluent English and what sounds like Cantonese. 

Jaebum brushes Jackson off at first, finding his energy off putting and a chaotic opposite to his own reserved nature around the new trainees. Jaebum is polite, bordering on curt to most of the other trainees because his nature is to be guarded around others. He only feels relaxed and open when Jinyoung is with him, or when the trainees are all gathered in a practice room and dancing, fooling around and Jaebum breaks from his shell just to show off.

Jackson jumps up to Jaebum's side after every round of fancy flips and spins on the floor and calls him b-boy king in English with starstruck eyes. One day Jaebum reminds him not very politely that he is his hyung, and Jackson's face blanks when he registers Jaebum's tone as he shrinks away like a kicked puppy. Jaebum feels like he has just actually kicked a puppy and stalks away to complain to Jinyoung, ignoring the need to apologize clawing at his insides.

"What is that foreign trainee's problem?" Jaebum raves to Jinyoung one night as they settle into their room for the night. Jinyoung glances up from his book to stare at him. "Which trainee?" he asks, his face scrunching slightly in thought. Jaebum can practically see him making a mental list of every foreign trainee in the building. 

He struggles to form a response that hides the reason for his frustration. The trainee with the thighs that look like they could crush you. The trainee with the puppy eyes and the cute smile. The trainee that tries his best to say hyung but still can't quite pronounce it perfectly so he pouts in the most endearing way-

"The one from Hong Kong. The loud one," Jaebum settles on an answer that sounds normal and Jinyoung nods, realization dawning on his face. "You mean Jackson! What's wrong with Jackson?" Jinyoung asks with a confused frown. 

"He calls me b-boy king, and I've told him multiple times that I'm his elder but he never listens." Jinyoung stares at him in what Jaebum can only describe as a scolding look. He hates that his best friend could also act as his mother if he wanted to. "Jaebum, don't be so hard on him! He can't remember Korean names well. He's probably nervous about saying your name wrong," Jinyoung says to him, shaking his head. Jaebum feels the need to apologize coming back, and he sighs, falling back against his bed. 

Two days later, he spots Jackson in the practice room and makes a point to approach him. "Call me Jaebum hyung," Jaebum says quietly with an outstretched hand, holding an apology gift. Jackson stares down at the Squirtle plush with wide, surprised eyes. “How did you.....”

“Mark Tuan told me that you would like this. You do like it, don’t you? I hope I didn’t get the wrong one,” Jaebum cringes inwardly at the insecurity that creeps into his voice, but Jackson just smiles widely and takes the toy. “I do like it. Thank you Jaebum hyung,” Jackson says, his voice cautious. Jaebum gives him an assuring smile, and suddenly just like that the two of them are friends.

After they establish a friendship and a solid trusting of each other where Jaebum even allows Jackson to touch him sometimes, Jaebum notices it. The blush that rushes to his face when Jackson leans in a little too closely. The burning heat beneath his skin that appears every time Jackson holds him close or grips his hand. He denies it for as long as he can, ignores what he knows it is deep down. He avoids thinking the truth until one day while he’s at a party at the JYP building, talking to a pretty girl he’s never met and he introduces himself as JB because it feels more comfortable. Then he realizes why he likes JB so much more than Jaebum.

Jaebum can’t deny that he’s gay, but JB can.


	3. Disgrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the angst :( some 2young to melt your hearts

Jaebum has always known.

He remembers most a time when he was young, about twelve, staring at a boy on the opposite end of the subway car he and his family were riding and thinking that the boy was cute. His father catches him looking and turns Jaebum’s face away with his hand, muttering, “Don’t stare at strangers. They might think something bad of you.” 

Jaebum still regrets asking what he had asked next. If he hadn’t, maybe things would be different. Maybe if he hadn’t asked what was bad, he would never have heard his father unknowingly recite hate about his own son. Maybe he wouldn’t have grown to hate himself, maybe he wouldn’t have hidden his sexuality for so many years that he’d nearly fooled himself into thinking he was straight. And maybe, if none of that would have happened, if he’d met Jackson at another time or place and they weren’t idols in a conservative society, he would have fallen in love properly without any guilt or hatred.

Jaebum likes to think about what could have been. Sometimes at night when he has trouble falling asleep, he listens to Jackson’s short whispers of Chinese between snores above him and pictures that he’s next to Jackson in a large bed, covered in squirtle plushes and Jackson’s shirts because the younger leaves them strewn everywhere. He imagines them in a small apartment, maybe in Seoul, but he’d be happy to live in Hong Kong if that was what Jackson wanted.

In Jaebum’s thoughts, the two of them have simple jobs, Jaebum pictures himself as a videographer or photographer maybe, Jackson as a talk show host because he’s the best talker Jaebum knows. He pictures nights out on double dates with Jinyoung and Youngjae, and mornings where Yugyeom or Mark stop by on their ways to work. He imagines visiting BamBam’s house to watch his cats. 

Jaebum knows his fantasy world is incredibly unrealistic, but he likes to think that it would have worked out that way. He can’t imagine a world without his brothers, and he loves to imagine a world where he is Jackson’s. 

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Jaebum wakes in the middle of the night with a wet pillow and the sudden need to make amends with Jinyoung. 

Jaebum slides out of bed as gracefully as possible, careful not to make any noise that might wake Jackson. Luckily, the door makes no sound when Jaebum opens it and slips into the hall. He makes his way to Jinyoung’s room, not expecting his body to suddenly freeze up once he reaches the door. His arm never moves to open it and step inside. Jaebum’s pulse quickens. What should he even say to Jinyoung? 

Jaebum knows the answer, but he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. Perhaps confessing it to someone else would be easier. Mark, maybe. Or Youngjae. Youngjae has never once made Jaebum uneasy before. Jaebum shakes his head, trying to gather some courage. He needs to say this to Jinyoung. 

Jaebum reaches for the door and opens it quietly, almost fleeing when he sees that the light is on inside the room and that Youngjae is there with Jinyoung on his bed, the younger’s arms wrapped firmly around his boyfriend resting against his side. Jaebum’s face flushes and he hurries to leave before they see him, but their soft voices make him pause. 

“...fight forever,” Youngjae is saying quietly, running a hand over Jinyoung’s head in a soft gesture. Jinyoung scoffs, cuddles closer to Youngjae in an obvious pout. Jaebum waits for Jinyoung to retort with something to match the action, but instead his best friend’s face falls. “Oh Jae, it hurts me. I can’t stand it any longer.” 

Youngjae kisses the top of his head. “When did you first notice?” he asks. Jinyoung sighs in reply and pauses for a moment in thought. “He walked in on me with another trainee after JJ Project was cancelled. We were kissing in the dorm, and he got this look on his face.....I thought for sure he would call me a fag or request to be placed in another room.” As Jinyoung shakes his head at the memory, Jaebum’s mind flashes back to what Jinyoung had described. They are talking about him.

“I was confused when he didn’t say anything to me about what he saw. I tried to talk to him, but he would get quiet and avoid me. And the way he would look at me, he looked so sad. I didn’t get it until he talked to me about Jackson. Jaebum was telling me that he was jealous because Jackson was so carefree about who he was. That’s what put the pieces together,” Jinyoung explains.

“You never asked him outright?” asks Youngjae. His boyfriend shakes his head, Jaebum still silently watching, holding his breath. “I knew he would deny it, or worse, be angry with me for asking. When we debuted, it didn’t take me long to notice the way he acted with Jackson. That was all the proof I needed. But he.....” Jinyoung takes a breath, and Jaebum suddenly realizes how upset his friend looks. Youngjae kisses the side of his face and squeezes his shoulder and Jaebum flinches because he can see the tension melt off of Jinyoung just from two small gestures. 

“It breaks my heart that he acts the way he does around the fans and the other idols. I know that we should be careful about our personal lives, but he’s so closed off, Youngjae-ah. I worry,” says Jinyoung almost hopelessly. Youngjae holds him tightly and presses his face in Jinyoung’s hair. “He’ll be alright. He’ll open up when he’s ready, hyung. Give him time.” 

Jaebum feels sick. Watching two of his closest friends and practically feeling the love and security held between them has made him afraid. He wants the sort of love they have more than anything in the world, and he knows he is undeserving of it, and if he ever got what he wanted it would only confirm everything his parents have ever said. All of those awful things they said would no longer be directed at strangers, at a mass of people they’d never interacted with, but at their own son. Their only child would be a disgrace. 

JB can’t be a disgrace. Jaebum always has been.


	4. Jaebum Is Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank y’all for sticking with me through this

The following morning, Jaebum stumbles out into the common area toward the kitchen, finding most of his group seated at their table, save for Youngjae. Jinyoung strolls in behind Jaebum and waves to the table in greeting, ignoring Jaebum. They all stare. Clearly, the fight had not been resolved overnight, and judging by the silence that followed Jaebum’s own entrance to the room and the eyes that trailed to Jackson, another grudge had started. He sighs. Jackson’s grudges are near impossible to wait out.

“Why did Youngjae sleep in your bedroom last night?” Mark speaks up, looking at Jinyoung with a heavy amount of suspicion that only Mark could deliver. Their eldest member was notoriously jealous of anyone who spent more time with Jinyoung than himself, including his roommate slash close friend. Jinyoung clears his throat to make an announcement and Jaebum stops reaching for the juice on the counter to watch him.

“Actually, when Youngjae-ah comes in, we have something to tell you all,” Jinyoung announces. Yugyeom’s brow creases in worry. “Is Youngjae hyung alright?” he asks. Jaebum can tell by the looks that Jackson and BamBam exchange that they all think the news pertains to the previous night’s fight. 

Jinyoung reaches across the table just so he can tousle Yugyeom’s hair, and the youngest swipes his hand away with a scowl. “No need to worry, nothing bad.” Jaebum watches the table collectively relax, but only for a moment before the gears in their heads begin turning again. 

They finish their breakfast in relative silence, all of them managing to avoid looking directly at their leader. Jaebum pretends it doesn’t sting, but he knows it’s his own fault. Even if they were on his side, they were most likely afraid of any possible outbursts he could have. Although Jaebum’s anger was much improved over the years, his members would always remember his old temper. Jaebum can’t stand his past self or his present one.

They all file into the living room when they finish eating, waiting while Jinyoung and Youngjae whisper in the kitchen. The couple enters and stands at the front of the room, and Jaebum sucks in a breath. 

“The two of us are together,” Jinyoung says without any hesitation. Silence fills the room like a fog, and Jaebum feels fear prickling from his fingertips to his toes. His curiosity beats the terror, causing him to glance at the others. BamBam is staring at his feet, unmoving, in between a confused looking Yugyeom and a stone faced Mark. Jackson is perched on a stool on Jaebum’s other side, but he can’t bring himself to look in Jackson’s direction.

They all look up in surprise when Mark stands and leaves the room without a word. Jaebum feels his heart clench when he sees Youngjae’s expression fall. Jinyoung grips his arm and the two chase after the oldest down the hall. The remaining four let go of the breath they’d been holding and suddenly Jaebum notices he’s shaking, badly. Mark hates them. Mark doesn’t accept them. Mark will never accept-

“Hyung!” Jackson’s voice is shrill and fearful like his eyes that are suddenly right in front of Jaebum. Jaebum flinches and folds away from the rapper as he tries to touch Jaebum’s arms. Jaebum realizes he’s been breathing hard and shakily for the past few moments, and that it’s scaring Jackson. 

“Hyung, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Jaebum feels hands on his arms like fire, burning him, reminding him of the danger. He tries to twist away and Jackson lets go, suddenly going into a panic as he shouts for BamBam to get Jinyoung. Jaebum folds forward, his head in his hands, and lets his tears come because there’s no use in hiding them.

Jinyoung suddenly tears into the room and grips Jaebum by the shoulders the second he pushes Jackson to the side. “Jaebum, Jaebummie it’s alright! Mark is okay with it!” 

Jaebum is still amazed, even after all of their years as friends, that Jinyoung can read his mind. He pauses. Jinyoung squeezes his shoulder. “He was just upset that we never told him,” Jinyoung adds assuringly. Jaebum believes him, but there’s a new sense of fear swelling in him as Yugyeom asks, “What the fuck is going on?”

“I’m gay.” Jaebum is just as surprised as the others when his own choked voice breaks through the tension in the air. He can’t bear to look at Jackson anymore. He doesn’t want to see. His other friends, including Mark and Youngjae who had stepped in a moment earlier, are all wide eyed as they stare at him. Even Jinyoung looks surprised, most likely from the act of Jaebum admitting it rather than the news itself.

“I am too,” BamBam says solemnly. Jaebum feels like hugging him. “So am I!” Youngjae pipes up enthusiastically. Jaebum feels a few more tears leak from his eyes. He gathers just enough courage to look at Jackson, who is staring back at him with a look that he notes with relief isn’t one of disgust. 

“I’m bisexual,” Jackson admits, a strange shine casting over his eyes before he’s scrambling to lift the ends of his shirt and wiping Jaebum’s face. The group, aside from Jackson, turns to look at Mark and Yugyeom, who have been silent the entire time. Yugyeom’s eyes go wide. “Hey, I’m only gay when BamBam’s around!” he says defensively. Jinyoung opens his mouth, but quickly closes it again when BamBam shoots him a look and announces that Yugyeom is still working through some things. 

Mark sighs. “Am I the only straight man in this group?” he asks. Jinyoung laughs loudly. “Hyung, we know about your crush on Jackson last year.” Mark shrugs. “It was worth a try,” he says nonchalantly since he’s never particularly cared who knew. Jaebum wants to be like him. He doesn’t want to be JB anymore. 

Jaebum grabs Jackson’s hand as it swipes over his cheek one more time and looks at him with fear in his eyes, but he’s never felt so brave. He takes a deep breath, watches the way Jackson looks at him patiently, warmly. Like he cares. 

“I love you,” Jaebum says because he isn’t romantic or ceremonious and because that’s what the Jaebum part of him is telling him to say so for once he knows he needs to listen. He vaguely hears BamBam coo and notices the way Youngjae nudges Jinyoung with a huge grin on his face, but most of his focus stays on the way Jackson’s eyes light up like fireworks setting off, matching the burst that sets off in Jaebum’s heart at the sight of it. 

Jackson grins, but never like Jaebum has seen him do. This smile is one of disbelief, but the happy kind. The kind that tells Jaebum that Jackson just might have been waiting for this as long as he himself has been dreaming of it. 

“I love you Jaebum,” Jackson says. Jaebum never wants to stop hearing him say it. He resists the urge to ask him to repeat himself. Instead he pulls Jackson tightly to his chest and buries his face in Jackson’s neck, hearing the younger laugh as he wraps his arms around Jaebum’s middle and squeezes. Jaebum understands how Jinyoung and Youngjae feel. 

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Two years later, Jaebum wakes in the middle of the night in Jackson’s arms with an urge to kiss him. 

Jackson is awake after the second kiss to his cheek and he giggles when Jaebum shifts and kisses the corners of his mouth, his other cheek, his forehead, and finally his lips. There isn’t a word that Jaebum can think of to describe kissing Jackson besides dream. The only dream he’s ever had, the one he’s grateful to finally experience. There is no greater dream, Jaebum thinks, than his dream that has come true. 

Jaebum is still trying to fully accept and love himself, and although the journey has become easier with Jackson by his side, there is still a long road before him. He can’t say the word gay without flinching, and telling his parents resulted in endless nights of tears and reassurance from his brothers and his boyfriend that he is in fact good enough. 

It’s alright that they have to hide it from the public and from JYP. It’s painful that he can’t hold Jackson the way he wants to when they’re in public, but Jaebum thinks he can make it just from these small moments where the two of them are alone and in love. “Jackson Wang, I love you,” Jaebum whispers at the thought, trailing his lips down Jackson’s neck and the younger presses his nose into Jaebum’s hair and grins.

“I love you, Im Jaebum,” he whispers back as if it’s sensitive information and Jaebum has the highest of clearance to hear it. Jaebum decides that he finally likes Jaebum more than he likes JB, but only because Jackson does too.


End file.
